I'm publishing a GREAT article from my own personal coach, Shawn Driscoll of Succeed Coaching & Development. If you are faced with having to live or work with challenging people, you will appreciate this article.

Free Yourself from Negative Nelly and Billy Blamer:
3 easy and effective ways to deal with negative people
by Shawn Driscoll

You know them. Maybe you work with them, live with them, or hang out with them. Negative is an understatement. They complain, they vent, they criticize, they blame. And, you’re tired of dealing with them.

Negative Nelly prefers complaining to finding a solution. Quick with the “yeah, but’s” whenever a possible solution or new idea is offered, they suck the energy out of a room within seconds.

Venting Victor likes to swoop in, dump his frustration all over anyone who will listen, and then go on his merry way. Venting Victor needs an outlet for every minor annoyance, frustration and issue and if you’re his target, you’re left feeling dumped on.

Billy Blamer is constantly critical, demanding, berating and blames everyone and everything when things go wrong. These people don’t take responsibility; they deflect it. Billy Blamer’s create a negative, guilt ridden environment. It’s usually them against the world and you’re left holding the bag.

While the most effective strategy for dealing with some of these people is to eliminate them from your life, in many cases that’s just not doable. You can’t fire a coworker unless you’re the boss. You can’t, or don’t want to, cut off ties with your family. And so you’ve learned to put up with their negativity. But too much negativity can be toxic.

It drains you, frustrates you, and sometimes, it infects you. After being with Negative Nelly or Venting Victor, you find yourself going negative. You get sucked into their vortex and your usually positive outlook starts getting dark. With Billy Blamer, you walk away deflated, feeling as if you’ve let them down again.

You may wonder why they have to be this way and find yourself constantly wishing they were more positive, happy, or sensitive to others. The truth is, asking “why’ usually doesn’t change much. Unless the answer allows you to be more accepting—to come to love their negativity –knowing the ‘why’ doesn’t solve your problem. You need to know how to avoid the slippery slope of getting sucked in, frustrated, annoyed, and negative.

So what can you do to stop the downslide short of cutting them out of your life or being rude? Here are 3 proven strategies you can implement immediately.

1. The extinction strategy. Extinction simply means stop meeting their needs. Once their needs aren’t being met by you, they’ll move on to other ways of getting their needs met.

What attracts negative people to you is that you give them what they want or need. Not intentionally, of course. In fact, you are probably trying to be kind, patient, and friendly. But, the truth is, if they weren’t getting some need met by spewing their negativity all over you, they wouldn’t be doing it. Negative people need one of two things from you. They are either looking for someone to commiserate with or they want someone who will provide lots of cheerleading. Commiserating gives them affirmation. ‘You can do it’ support gives them energy (by taking it from you).

Become a no whining zone. How? Simply refuse to engage. If you’ve been caught up in the “ain’t it awful’s”, it’s time to stop. If you’ve been relentlessly cheerleading, stop. Have a simple phrase that you can repeat, in a ‘charge neutral’ tone (without anger, frustration, or reaction; as if you were saying something as simple as ‘the sky is blue’), such as “isn’t that interesting”. Say nothing more, nothing less. After hearing that (and nothing else) 3 times, they’ll start to get the hint that you’re not going there with them.

2. Set limits. You can’t afford to spend 20, 30 or more minutes listening to someone rattle on about everything that’s wrong in the world. It’s far too costly to your peace of mind and productivity. With Billy Blamers, you need a zero tolerance policy. Get to a place where you simply won’t tolerate the rant (abuse). With Negative Nelly’s or Venting Victor’s, set a time limit and stick to it--somewhere between 3 to 7 minutes, max.

Once Negative Nelly or Venting Victor has hit the three minute mark, cut off the conversation. If you’re at work, say something like “I really have to get back to my project now.” If they continue (they will), be ready to get stronger. Stand up, create more space between you, and begin to move away. Say “I’m going to get back to work now”. It can be easier on the phone. Make your “I’ve got to go” statement, and insist on hanging up within the minute.

3. Be unconditionally constructive. You may have tried being positive, but positive doesn’t work. When you’re positive, you are trying to build the other person up (a form of cheerleading). This can be very draining because you are trying to move someone from extreme negativity to extreme satisfaction or happiness. That’s like pushing a large rock uphill. Alternatively, when you’re unconditionally constructive, you’re helping the other person build something for themselves.

Instead of saying “You can do it! Here’s what I think you should do….” you could say “I’d really like to hear how you solve that.” Or, instead of saying “I’m really tired of hearing your criticisms all the time” you could say “I’d enjoy hearing your ideas about what would work.” By consistently doing this, you can teach the person that you will only engage with them when they are unconditionally constructive too. You only have room in your life for people willing to bring solutions, ideas and energy.


These strategies can and do work as long as you are consistent and clear. If you waiver, the negative people in your life will sense the opening and pounce. You have to stick with it. Expect that they will test you. You will likely see an escalation of the negativity, drama, venting, or blaming at first. This is when holding strong to your time limits, charge neutral tone and higher standards is a MUST. Once you’ve passed the test, usually after 3-5 incidents, you’ll see dramatic change.

Billy Blamer or Negative Nellie will move on to other sources of energy. Venting Vicky will vent less, or seek out a new dumping ground. And you’ll feel lighter and more energetic. Most importantly, you will start to attract people just like you—unconditionally constructive, with healthy limits, and a passion for what’s possible.